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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at...

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity

lol

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

cheers(Y)

Did you hear about the blind man that went bungee jumping. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!' He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go...

My girlfriend called me a pervert! I said to her "that's a big word for a nine year old"

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!.

Two Dyslexics locked in a room. One said "Can you smell gas?" The other said,"I can't even smell my own name".

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because his pecker is on his head!

reminds me of!!!!!!!!! The seven dwarfs were doing a world tour when they stoped off at the vatacan, as dopey needed to see the pope. Anyway dopey along with grumpy got to see him and grumpy nudging dopey said go on then ask him....dopey asked do you have nuns in the Antarctic Yes my son the...

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "get lost, you won't bring it back."

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a dump."

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to @**** off

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

south shields? day out got kids as well